Parenting and Social Media

We’ve all seen her. The mom who appears as if she loves being a mom at all times. Who seems entirely fulfilled by the little kids running around her feet. Who hates it when school starts up again in the fall because it means she’s away from them. Who plans the perfect “Pinterest-worthy” birthday parties, and always has educational crafts and activities ready to go. Not only is she the perfect mother, she’s also perfectly styled and her Instagram husband has a degree in marketing. Her Instagram photos are glossy and perfect and her #realife photos are actually just #humblebrags. In the age of social media, it seems like everyone is this mother.

I think we all know its fake. I think we know that her life can’t be that perfect, and that sometimes she gets upset with her kids, and sometimes her lulu leggings have spit up on them and she fights with her husband about who has to get up with the baby in the middle of the night.

Here’s the thing about social media, we know its fake, and yet we still feel like we need to be that person. The mom who as it all together, who has perfect highlights and perfect children.

PSA: We don’t.

Our babies are going to be fine wearing regular old target brand onesies instead of organic cotton. They’re going to be fine if we choose to use disposable diapers instead of cloth diapers, they’re going to be fine if sometimes we get mad at them for being little assholes. WE are going to be fine if our babies wear regular onesies, and sometimes eat non-organic baby food. WE are going to be fine if we don’t have it all put together and sometimes get upset with them for being little assholes. Because — can we be honest — this need for pefection is so much more about us than them.

I had a conversation with my mother-in-law recently about parenting, and she was asking me why parents now are so afraid. She’s a children’s pastor, and she said she felt like parents in my generation have a real sense of fear about them. I think this fear is a combination of things, but I think it hinges on this:

The audience to our parenting choices is larger than it has been for any other generation.

The internet and social media which are both amazing communities, and terrible bullies have made it so we sensor ourselves into these perfect little squares that fit on Instagram, and God forbid anyone find out that we aren’t actually like that. In previous generations, the mom shaming was constrained to grandma saying things like “Oh, you’re doing the pacifier thing, huh?” or some random old lady at the grocery store making a disparaging remark about “kids these days.” In this day and age, if you post a photo on social media with your child sucking on a pacifier its like open season on mom shaming you for opening the door to nipple confusion for your baby.

Sure, the argument could be made, that we posted the photo publicly and should be willing to deal with the repercussions of that, but to me that just sounds like a justification for being an asshole online. This online sphere that we live in — this online hypereality — is sometimes the most beautiful community, but is also sometimes the wild west, and its spectacularly easy to ruin someones day, and even someones life online.

We almost CANT be #authentic without opening ourselves up to criticism from strangers all over the world. No wonder we live in fear.

So what do we do?

I’m like actually no expert on this, but I am an expert at cultivating an IDGAF attitude, so here are some thoughts I have.

1.) Unfollow. You super don’t have to follow those people and pages if they’re bringing you down. You don’t have to buy the $500 Moses basket so you can be one of the cool kids. Our baby slept in a cardboard box for 6 weeks. Its fine.

2.) Take a social media break. Maybe its just a day, or a week or a whole month, but focus on the chubby cheeks of your kid, and being present with them. Or read a book, or drink some hot coffee and stare out the window during nap time instead of scrolling your phone.

3.) Delete comments. I’m a huge proponent of if someone says something that you don’t like on one of your posts, delete the comment. its YOUR post. Its YOUR social media account, adopt a zero tolerance policy. If you get a message in your inbox upset about it, kindly explain that you don’t appriciate the negative feedback in a public sphere and if they have concerns they should have contacted you directly and privately. Absolutely no one has the right to write a offensive comment and then have the nerve to be offended when you delete it. NO ONE. Also, Its your page, you get to decide what is and isn’t offensive.

4.) Cultivate an IDGAF attitude online. AKA, grow a social media thick skin. Know who your friends are, and if you don’t know the person, their opinion literally doesn’t matter. Your real friends will tell you if you are wearing your baby carrier wrong and will help you fix it without being an jerk.

5.) Don’t forget that social media Isn’t real life. Real life is your baby smiling while they eat mud. Real life is a glass of wine with your husband by the light of the baby monitor. Real life is SO MUCH BETTER than online life. So much better.