Update: I still miss my old life.

I had a nice cry in the shower the other day. Call it pregnancy hormones, but pregnancy or not, its not my first time crying in the shower over the years. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.

There was a potential career move that would have been awesome for my, but could have negatively affected my family that I said no to. I knew it was fairly likely at the beginning that I’d have to not pursue it, but when it all came down to it, I was a lot more bummed than I thought id be. So I threw myself a pity party in the shower about how my kids hold me back. It was real fun.

Let me be clear, it was ultimately MY choice. The Viking was in total support of whatever I wanted and was willing to do anything for our family to make it work. And I’m also aware that I am INCREDIBLY privileged to be in a place where I get to choose how much I work because I know there are SO many of you out there that don’t have a choice, I see you. I’m sure this seems like a privileged white mom tantrum to those of you who can’t choose, and it totally is, but sometimes a girl’s gotta tantrum.

Ultimately I decided that since my kids are so little, It wasn’t best for ME to pursue this opportunity. But you know what? I’m really annoyed that that’s the decision I came to. I’m really annoyed that I have a fetus and a toddler to consider when making career decisions. I’d really just rather do what I want, whenever I want, y’know?

Like back before kids, when I could just leave the house without packing an entire survival kit of child items and toys. When the Viking and I could just leave and get dinner without having to plan it, when I was free to pursue whatever kind of career I wanted without the logistical nightmare of trying to find and hire a nanny or figure out the daycare system as a first time mom. When I didn’t have a small person TOUCHING ME ALL THE TIME. Gawd. Those were the days.

Instead I dried my eyes and my hair and read Ransom “Red truck” for the 10929857th time, and put on an episode of Daniel Tiger, because sometimes I use a digital babysitter, and thats okay.