The "Kid Question"

I realize it sort of seems like a harmless question. Like it’s a normal part of small talk, especially if you are a parent or a grandparent — but it’s not. No one asks their friends or family members when they are going to have sex, why is it okay to ask if they’re going to procreate?

More than that, it’s an incredibly loaded question for a lot of people. 

I got married young. Like REAL young, so for the first couple years of my marriage I was exempt from the question because people couldn’t believe I was married in the first place. But after about three years I lost my exemption status apparently, because I started getting that question a lot. When I started back to school I had an easy enough out when I was asked: “Oh, I’m going to finish school, maybe we will have kids after that.” Then I finished school and I was out of excuses.

The decision to have a child was an incredibly long and painful process in my marriage. The Viking and I didn’t see eye to eye on it, and not being on the same page as your man about something as important as having a child is super hard. It was the elephant in the room in our marriage.  So, when I got that question I felt super awkward because the answer that I had was different than the answer the Viking had so what was I supposed to say? I usually said something like “We don’t know.” And did my best to change the subject. 

That’s just my story though. What about people who don't want kids? Who have been told they are selfish or less of a person or shamed for not wanting kids? How may times a month do they have to field the “kid question” and then explain all their very personal reasons to people who feel entitled to know? Not having kids is a valid choice. And while the question was painful and awkward for me, and frustrating and personal for those who don’t want kids, it’s nothing compared to how those who struggle with infertility feel.

Can you imagine if you had been trying for two years to conceive a child, how you would feel if someone asked you when you were going to have kids? As if you hadn’t been doing everything in your power to have kids already? As if it’s a normal part of small talk to bring up your greatest pain. As you attend baby shower after baby shower for your seemingly fertile friends that make jokes like “Be careful, or you’ll be next!” Not knowing that “being next” would be the biggest answer to prayer, and a dream come true. How broken as a person and as a woman you would feel for not being able to get pregnant? 

What if you did get pregnant and then you had a miscarriage and someone proceeded to ask you when you were going have kids? 

This week is infertility awareness week. The statistics surrounding miscarriage and infertility are shocking. So. many. people. struggle with this issue. 

So next time you feel like asking when someone is going to have kids... just don’t.