Value

I realized recently — during a post Big Little Lies, wine induced therapy session with a good friend — that I find my value in my work.

On first glance, especially in the US, that revelation doesn’t seem too bad. Culturally we value work probably more than we should, so its fairly “normal” for me to find my value there.

But it’s actually a problem in my life for a number of reasons.

First, I have guilt about it. Finding my value in my work, means that I don’t find value or fulfillment in being a mom. Somehow internally I feel like a failure as a woman/mom/person for not finding the ultimate satisfaction in motherhood. It seems like everyone else (on the internet/instagram etc) does, so whats wrong with me? Externally and rationally I know this is absurd, and all people are different and there isn’t a right way to feel about motherhood, but try telling my feelings that. It’s actually kind of disappointing to me that I don’t find more value in motherhood. A part of me was really hoping that even though I was reluctant about this whole thing that once Ransom got here it would just all click into place and I would have found my calling as a mother and want 87 kids and not even give a care for my career. Im not gonna lie, that seems easier. lol. I love Ransom, but being his mom doesn’t fulfill in the same way that my job does, and I feel guilty about that sometimes.

But finding my value in my work has its own problems. Im a freelance photographer, which means that I don’t have consistent work or set hours. Sounds great, right? It is. I love it. BUT, it also means that there are months where I don’t have any work, and I’m sitting at home with a tiny human going crazy because I’m not working. As a freelancer, my work fluctuates from week to week and month to month, so if I’m finding my value in my work, my value as a person fluctuates right along with it. And thats a problem. On weeks and months when i have work, I feel like I’m kicking ass, and and I love it. On months when I don’t have work, I think there is something wrong with me, and I question wether or not I should even be freelancing or if I’m a good enough photographer to make this work. It sounds dramatic, but a lot of this is really normal for freelancers and people in the creative fields, but it doesn’t make it easy by any means.

Im learning that my value isn’t in how many clients I land, or how many jobs I do. My value isn’t in being the Viking’s wife, or Ransom’s mom. I have inherent value. Just for being me, I have value. To couch it in churchy terms, I have value as a child of God which is completely above my status as wife, mother, or photographer. I want to hold my head up high not because I’m kicking ass at my job, or my kid is perfect, but because I just am valuable, regardless of anything else.

If I disconnect my value from the hats I wear, like being a mom, or a photographer, I find am so much more at peace both with myself, and with my various roles.

Thats the value I want to lean into.

PS. This photo of me working is by @ericakrysl.